I was simply browsing in another desperate effort to hopefully find some sort of information on the way my life has been turned so dramatically upsidedown and how or why I feel the way I do and act/react to things. Almost as if there are so many issues and symptoms I experience now, that I have no clue how to even pinpointor even narrow down any one "diagnosis" leaving me not knowing where to turn for any type of help or understanding. It seems that I fit the prognosis for so many different yet in some instances related mental and emotional disturbances, that I don't know how to tell anyone the truths about my despair out of fear ofrash judgment and scepticism as I've been told my entire life that "only I can control the way I feel or how I allow things to affect me and react". So I now feel as though the horrible truth of the matter is that everyone I ever trusted or could, or thought i could, turn to for emotional safety and stability, were in fact not concerned about my personal well-being at all. I've been shunned by my entire family and every "friend" I thought I ever had. Now I'm quite literally completely alone and only leaving my apartment maybe 2 or 3 times a month in an shakey, sweaty, anxiety ridden state only when absolutely necessary to take care of an errand and even then, I may completely shrug the responsibility altogether and go without necessities or blow off obligation. Other than that, I no longer even answer the phone and regularly do not even eat for days at a time out of fear of having to go to the store for groceries. I'm at a total loss. I do not know how to trust or believe anyone or even myself any longer. I can honestly say, if I died, it would go completely unnoticed until I was sought out for discontinuing bill payments.. Now I have simply shut down and don't attempt reaching out to people all. An entire week may pass before I even receive a text or phone call from anyone and it's never more than a quick, "haven't heard from you, are you still alive". If I respond or not, that's the end of the 'conversation'. Not even a follow-up if there's no reply from me to really see if I'm ok or not. I don't even believe that any person is ever genuinely concerned about others unless you benefit their needs or there's some sort of martyr type pleasure they get out or telling others how they're also concerned, but once you become seen as just a problem or an annoyance, you are left to suffer in complete solidarity. I don't know what to do about the way I feel or the thoughts, emotions and fears i experience and how drastically they have intensified in recent years. I feel that there is absolutely no one that would ever understand or believe me because no one has ever paid enough actual attention to see the negative changes in my behavior because no one ever took the time to actually notice my actions or listen to the literal begging for some sort of help , much less attempt seeking out information or ways to help me cope or heal from this personal hell. My life is compiled of absolute numbness, anger and agitation, sorrow, overwhelming fear, obsession and negativity. I'm closed off from the world, experience many many dramatically varying and/or conflicting emotional fluctuations and thought patterns.. I don't even know who I am anymore, if I ever have.
We will all face different situations in our life that could leave us feeling vonerable and helpless and sometimes even self blaming. Often times simply putting blame in the right places and being self praising can be benifical. You are a survivor and should really see yourself as a survivor. So often people have been rape and sometimes injured and left for dead. You were in a bad cituation and you must have done something to defend yourself for not being raped of injured. Empower yourself by using your stong innerself. I think your handled yourself extreamly well because you did not allow yourself to be anything but a survivor. Maybe others should be asking you for help.. i dont know you. But im giving you a big big hug right now and i want to tell you, im so proud of you!
Man Of Constant Sorrow: My Life And Times Free Downloadl
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Hi. I don't really know what to say haha. I don't think anyone will see this. I feel what I went through is not as bad as what others went through. Like it's not a big deal, you know? But I have no one to talk to so um that's why I'm here. My life is not exactly normal compared to a lot of peoples. My family world travels, I'm usually surrounded with only my sisters and my mom and dad. I don't have close friends, we usually leave places before I can make any. And I think you'd expect my sisters and I to be close but most of the time we just want space. We're not rich, despite what many would think, we live in small apartments with usually two beds. It's hard to get space. But that's beside the point. A year ago my family had a falling out. A lot of things happened, they've always been pretty strict. My sister went to a party with some people she met. My parents found out, she had some alcohol, not really that bad. Despite it only being her their anger (my dads) was taken out on all of us. At the time we had our own room and were staying in an apartment for a whole year to make some money from English teaching. My dad took all of our stuff into his room, and when I say everything I mean everything. He locked all the doors in the apartment and made us sleep in the living room. The doors were locked every time they left the house. The only time we could go outside was when they wanted us to make dinner for them (chores) so we had to get food. There were fights every day. I struggle with adhd and with this happening all the time it just got so hard. A lot of things happened. they're buried somewhere in my brain, I'd rather not relive them. This is dragging on a bit long, isn't it? There was no abuse. well, I at least not physically. We were ruining their relationship, we were horrible children, we always miss behaved, they didn't love us. Remarks like that. My dad wanted to send me off to a boarding school, he only wanted to be with my mom. The reason my dad disliked me the most is that he is a naturalist. Meaning he walks around naked all the time and expects, no, more like force(ed) us to the same. He wanted us to literally be the perfect family, that's what he said. The second we entered the house our shoes, and clothes must be at the door. I hated this. If we did not do this our stuff would continue to be taken away, we would not be able to go outside, etc. My sisters accepted naturalism out of fear. One of them wasn't allowed to go to college unless she followed his rules. And who were we to call for help? The police? We didn't speak the language, and what was happening to us, it wasn't that big of a deal compared to things others have gone through. Despite being afraid I was so uncomfortable. I've always hated being naked, I don't know why. And this made everything so much worse. I was bullied for not accepting their way of life. I must do my schooling and nothing else. my dad took my bras and underwear and hid them. He thought the way I was acting was hilarious. I was terrified of him, still am. When I went to sleep, since they took away my bras I found my swimsuit and slept in that. My dad told me to take it off. He was really angry. I stood up for my self and I told him no. He said that if I didn't he would force it off me. But I still told him no. He grabbed me and forced off my swimsuit. I kicked him, but he wouldn't get off. He left some burns and rashes in the process. I wanted to die. This is it. This was the rest of my life. I went to the store by myself and hid there. When I came back home they told me they were setting some rules. that I have to take off my clothes, no matter what. I had to be a naturalist, or they wouldn't let me go outside (although I was used to this) I was painfully aware that if I didn't run they would take my clothes off for me. I was so scared, I can't even describe it. It's hard to even write about it. My dad saw me reach for the door. He grabbed me but I got loose, I sprinted barefooted to a store nearby and locked myself in the bathroom. I love locks so much. When I locked myself in the bathroom at home my dad took them out of the door. I just wanted to be alone but I wasn't allowed. I suppose I should've just accepted naturalism. Life would've been easier. But whenever I thought about it this horrible feeling washed over me. I was going to try to kill myself, to get away from him, but I was too scared to do that as well. Because this really wasn't that bad if you look at the big picture. After this experience though, unexpectedly life got better. My dad decided to leave and go back to America. He was done living with us. This is where the whole "you're ruining our relationship" comes in. It happened so quickly. He just left. My mom cried every day. I avoided being at home. My moms not that bad. I don't know if I can forgive her for trying to make me become a naturalist. For making me change in front of her even though she knew how uncomfortable I was. For letting him make me feel like I was nothing. But I know she was trying her best to be a good mom. She just was sucked into his horrible way of "living". He was gone for a year. He's back now, despite all the threats he made in his emails to her. I can't say we're living happily, we don't talk very much. I hate that he's here. But whenever I try to mention the past to my mom she gets mad at me as if it was all my fault. So that's why I'm here. I'm sorry for such a long message. I don't think I have ptsd. I have nightmares about being naked sometimes but don't we all haha. You know, forgetting to put your clothes on and them leaving the house? So yeah. so yeah that's it. That's my long and complicated story. All in all just wanted to talk to someone. It gets awfully lonely. ok bya
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